Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
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*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?