[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
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Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.