[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality

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The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word


You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?



When I push a door that clearly says pull, it serves as a harsh reminder that I’d make a terrible midwife.


You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.


ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?


That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned


[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]

Me: who do we eat first