[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
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A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
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No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
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me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
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Potatoes:
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Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
I’m sorry…what?
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
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If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.