[Doctor’s office]

Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”

Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”

*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk

Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”

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[Planning Rustic Vacation]

Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?

Her: What’s the difference?

M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.

H: I meant in price.


Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.


I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches


A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.


If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.


you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*

me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*


Adulthood is just constantly trying to get rid of a faint headache