classic mixup
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Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Candles never taste the way they smell
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
oh my god