[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
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I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw