[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
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Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks