@flashember

[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

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@clarkekant

Ask your doctor if an unnecessary over-prescribed medication so he can get kickbacks from a pharmaceutical company is right for you.

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”

Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”

@stacetoned

If you feel like someone is playing mind games with you, they totally are and you should kill them before they kill you.

@01CandyQueen

I hate when people say,
“You barely touched your food” like what do you want me to do stroke it?

@Peauxtassium

Has anyone ever pissed you off so much that you just want to strangle them but then you realize you were overreacting so you calm down after 2 or 3 decades

@man_spach

When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.

@MomOnFire

Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.

@jonnysun

summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol

winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO

@PretendMaker

A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too

@ArfMeasures

Wife: omg it’s happening

Me: what is?

*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*

Wife: the baby is coming

Me: what?!

Wife: the baby is coming right now

Me: you’re not pregnant!

*door creaks open*

Wife: run