Ask your doctor if an unnecessary over-prescribed medication so he can get kickbacks from a pharmaceutical company is right for you.
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
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Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
If you feel like someone is playing mind games with you, they totally are and you should kill them before they kill you.
I hate when people say,
“You barely touched your food” like what do you want me to do stroke it?
Has anyone ever pissed you off so much that you just want to strangle them but then you realize you were overreacting so you calm down after 2 or 3 decades
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*