Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
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Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
normalize having existential bread
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.