Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
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Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Hello Twits.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.