Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781

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When I was 12 I ate a bee to impress a girl, and she just sent me a friend request on Facebook. So, mission accomplished.


I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.


My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.


Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.


me: *pulling the covers up* five more minutes

nurse: sir if we don’t use the defibrillator now your heart will stop for good


I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad


The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.


8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday


[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*


I wish my new best friend from Spain came with subtitles, because pittbull only taught me uno do tres cuatro…