Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
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Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.