Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
You Might Also Like
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Eat…
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
mood
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…