@mrtiredeyes

doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day

also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week

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@ShoutingGoddess

If I yawn, and the person talking says, ‘Sorry for boring you’, I graciously accept their apology.

Because, manners.

@TheWidowmakerX

Him: “Age is just a number.”

Me: “Technically, age is a word….”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.

@TheMichaelRock

Me: Wanna role play?

Wife: Sure ūüėČ

Me: You be the chef/waitress and I’ll be the custom..WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

@WilliamRodgers

“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”

Aerosmith = Romantic

Me = Restraining Order

@kimtopher22

Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.

@LoriLuvsShoes

When I punish my 16 I don’t take away her phone I take away her charger and then I watch the fear in her eyes as her battery dies. It’s fun

@patnelke

My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.

@CoreyKeyz

Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.

@SteveSuckington

Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.