doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
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“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
The biggest mystery of our time
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.