doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day

also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week

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If I yawn, and the person talking says, ‘Sorry for boring you’, I graciously accept their apology.

Because, manners.


Him: “Age is just a number.”

Me: “Technically, age is a word….”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.


Me: Wanna role play?

Wife: Sure ūüėČ

Me: You be the chef/waitress and I’ll be the custom..WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!


“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”

Aerosmith = Romantic

Me = Restraining Order


Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.


When I punish my 16 I don’t take away her phone I take away her charger and then I watch the fear in her eyes as her battery dies. It’s fun


My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.


Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.


Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.