Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
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Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Employees must applaud the planets.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.