@thepunningman

[doctors]

“How long have I got?”

“Not long. Two, three months”

[casually places apple on desk]

“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”

[doctors]

“How long have I got?”

“Not long. Two, three months”

[casually places apple on desk]

“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”

- @thepunningman

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@haveigotnews

Apple launches new phone with no headphone jack, making it ideal for enjoying the free U2 album.

@TheDreamGhoul

High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.

College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.

@jtrulez

To successfully fight a bear, strike it firmly in the sternum with an open palm. Congratulations. You are now fighting a bear.

@Reverend_Scott

Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.

@addamschloe

thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her

@AlexRogaski

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

@TheBoydP

*Goes to work*

*Punches clock*

*Gets fired for breaking clock*

@holymolynicole

My ex didn’t realize ‘cheat day’ only meant he could eat whatever FOOD he wanted.

@UnFitz

For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.