@kirahesser

Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.

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@CherBear162

An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!

@tweetsbyrocket

grandad: a tattoo will negatively affect your future

me: cut your carbon emissions

grandad: no

@chudneyspears

Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.

@Kyle_Lippert

[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD

@DirtyMelodies

Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?

@Lisabug74

I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?

@KatMcSnatch

My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”

I sent one back saying “who’s this?”

@cynicuhl

I miss the old days.
When a duck face meant that you had a stroke.

@TechnicallyRon

“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”

@ElKnuckelhombre

Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.

Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?