Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
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do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”