@kirahesser

Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.

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@ArfMeasures

Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly

Me: oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Me: Over there

Robber: Where’s the key?

Me: In that drawer

Robber: What day is it?

Me: oh no

@MrGeorgeWallace

Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.

@sonictyrant

Me: I love star wars movies
Friend: What’s your favourite line?
Me: Probably “aaaaarggh…Luke ya scurvy dog, I am yer fartha”
Friend: Sounds like a pirate copy

@TheZachCozad

Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus

@Cheeseboy22

Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.

@charstarlene

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.

@carlyken

I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.

@MichaelTrying

What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?

@Marlebean

That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!

Wipe it on Daddy’s