An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
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grandad: a tattoo will negatively affect your future
me: cut your carbon emissions
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
I miss the old days.
When a duck face meant that you had a stroke.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?