Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.

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Doctor: you look awful

Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!

Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?


formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing


Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.


I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it


All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.


I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them


My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.


[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”