@ArfMeasures Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
@kirahesser Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
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@ArfMeasures 
@MrGeorgeWallace Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
@sonictyrant Me: I love star wars movies
Friend: What’s your favourite line?
Me: Probably “aaaaarggh…Luke ya scurvy dog, I am yer fartha”
Friend: Sounds like a pirate copy
@TheZachCozad Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
@Cheeseboy22 Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
@charstarlene Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
@sonictyrant A spider is just a hairy raisin with legs
@carlyken I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
@MichaelTrying What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
@Marlebean That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s