@kirahesser

Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.

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@handsock_butts

Doctor: you look awful

Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!

Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?

@ch000ch

formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing

@junejuly12

Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.

@LarrysTwin99

I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it

@TheAlexNevil

All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.

@DanLaMorte

I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them

@Bob_Janke

My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.

@david8hughes

[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”