[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
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[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.