[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
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Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?