Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
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Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
why am I working on Labor Day
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
love it when they get my name right
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.