Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
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You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
cyclists
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Pretty much. 🤣
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.