I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
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Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Legend 🤣🤣
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.