Doe. A deer. A female deer.

Ray. My creepy Uncle’s naaaame.

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Obama: “Anybody else wanna see my birth certificate?” Drops mic, walks away.


The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.


[the day after I meet a genie]

boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today

me: *loudly* oh wow so weird


spot whats sandpaper like?
dog: ruff
whats the long grass on a golf course called?
d: ruff
whats the job market like?
d: steadily improving


If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.


My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.


I got expelled from school on pajama day.

It’s not my fault I sleep naked.


My twitter crush just broke up with me for saying WWE wasn’t real.

The irony is not lost here.


I “pet zone” girls. It’s like the friend zone, but, I only hang out if your dog will be there.


Just saw a bio that says his hobbies are “Drinking Women Eating Cars”.

Dude. Take up a new hobby. It’s called Punctuation.