Obama: “Anybody else wanna see my birth certificate?” Drops mic, walks away.
Doe. A deer. A female deer.
Ray. My creepy Uncle’s naaaame.
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The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
spot whats sandpaper like?
whats the long grass on a golf course called?
whats the job market like?
d: steadily improving
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
I got expelled from school on pajama day.
It’s not my fault I sleep naked.
My twitter crush just broke up with me for saying WWE wasn’t real.
The irony is not lost here.
I “pet zone” girls. It’s like the friend zone, but, I only hang out if your dog will be there.
Just saw a bio that says his hobbies are “Drinking Women Eating Cars”.
Dude. Take up a new hobby. It’s called Punctuation.