@Poutymcgee

Doe. A deer. A female deer.

Ray. My creepy Uncle’s naaaame.

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@TheThomason

Obama: “Anybody else wanna see my birth certificate?” Drops mic, walks away.

@Contwixt

The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.

@AndrewChamings

[the day after I meet a genie]

boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today

me: *loudly* oh wow so weird

@hippieswordfish

spot whats sandpaper like?
dog: ruff
whats the long grass on a golf course called?
d: ruff
whats the job market like?
d: steadily improving

@jellybnbonanza

If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.

@momtribevibe

My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.

@Pigeonlov

I got expelled from school on pajama day.

It’s not my fault I sleep naked.

@wendyraepearce

My twitter crush just broke up with me for saying WWE wasn’t real.

The irony is not lost here.

@BreadFoster

I “pet zone” girls. It’s like the friend zone, but, I only hang out if your dog will be there.

@FineThingsNLife

Just saw a bio that says his hobbies are “Drinking Women Eating Cars”.

Dude. Take up a new hobby. It’s called Punctuation.