Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
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Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.