I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
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It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Look at this
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.