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@Poutymcgee: Doe. A deer. A female deer.
Ray. My sex offender neighbooouur.
@bingowings14: *Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
@radtoria: Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
@sweetandweak: Daughter just told me, "Dad, I don't make sandwiches, I eat sandwiches."
One day her picture will be on money.
@LindaInDisguise: The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
@BoozeWallet: [walking through park with date]
Did u know there's more vitamin C in pine needles than in an orange
[blood is just pouring from my mouth]