BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
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Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife