Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
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My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Art by Pastelkatto
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time