Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
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#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant