In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
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Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.