sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
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I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
I feel attacked.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]