Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
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Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Auto correct is my worst enema.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.