“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
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I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Cake!!
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together