@Cadmarch

Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?

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@iRowlf

Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.

@EBenita0517

I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.

Sometimes it’s in my bra.

@ElizaBayne

I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.

I don’t have kids.

@TheAlexNevil

*jurassic park meeting

CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.

Suit: We could build another park…

*long silence

CEO: Genius.

@Brampersandon_

ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted

@Mr_Kapowski

Got a case for my iPhone even though the screen is already cracked. So basically it’s like putting a condom on my kid’s head.

@Mr_Kapowski

90% of women that wear yoga pants probably don’t do yoga. 100% of straight men don’t care.

@ispypanda

If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.