@Cadmarch

Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?

You Might Also Like

@Cpt_Burnout

My husband is the nicest guy that I could ever dream of (murdering).

@ThugRaccoons

Satan: Welcome to Hell.

Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.

Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.

Me: Sonofa….

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: Our neighbor is such a perv

Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?

Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep

@ddsmidt

Most people like a little something to remember you by.

Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.

@thatguyJA

My son ate all the marshmallows in the Lucky Charms and well guess who isn’t paying for his college now.

@chuchugoogoo

if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993

@jonnysun

so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk

@sirmunchie

For Valentine’s Day my GF upped my life insurance policy.

Unrelated, anyone know why there’s a ticking sound coming from underneath my car?

@EliBraden

Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’

@ArfMeasures

Me *pointing gun* give me all your money

Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol

Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix

Bank teller: you want it in 20s or