Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
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A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.