Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
You Might Also Like
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves