Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
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If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”