Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
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My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Nice try Hitler
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Me, flirting😏
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.