@OutOfLeftField_

Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?

Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?

- @OutOfLeftField_

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@KrunkedRobot

Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.

@J0hnnyBlaze

If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her

@BigJDubz

My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy

@LostFelicia

I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.

@krissywillbretz

When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]

Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.

@SadieSkyNinja

[if my cat tweeted]

When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.

@NurseSeymour

Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.

@TheBoydP

Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…