Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
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They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Reporter: *ports again*
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.