“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
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Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card