You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
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he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*