Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
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BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.