Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
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I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.