Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?

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“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season


*buys extra movie ticket seat so I’ll have a place to put my microwave bc I’ll be damned if I’m paying that much for popcorn


Her: Talk dirty to me

Me: I’m not good at it

Her: omg just do it!

Me: You’re a bad girl

Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?

Me: Substandard


When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.



– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries

– find them 3 months later

– look both ways

– slip them into the trash


3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.



wife: I am having an affair

me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have the affair as well


Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?


No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”


8: daddy, can I have $600,000?

Me: what? No

8: can I have $3?

Me: fine but only bc I feel like im getting a deal here