@TheRealJackDee

Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.

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@BlindVigil

If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.

@chris_isloi

Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…

Bullshit.

What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.

@amyistrouble

Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.

@SocialExtortion

I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend. Seriously, I’m taking a selfie and you’re in the background

@3sunzzz

Stop blaming your parents.

You’re 32.

Blame your spouse.

@Douchekevin

If you ever saw me race to the liquor store 5 mins before it closes, you’d hire me for a getaway driver in a bank heist any day.

@GuyEndoreKaiser

Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.

@T_N_Crumpets

Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO