My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
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15: I hope it’s him!
25: hope it’s about the job
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Pressing elevator buttons with my safety hotdog
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone
*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
a conspiracy: all these dudes on tinder are actually holding the same fish. they just ship it to each other when they need a new photo because they can’t actually catch one
Becoming hard to tell difference between credible news organizations like 4chan and troll sites like New York Post.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.