If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
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Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend. Seriously, I’m taking a selfie and you’re in the background
Stop blaming your parents.
Blame your spouse.
If you ever saw me race to the liquor store 5 mins before it closes, you’d hire me for a getaway driver in a bank heist any day.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO