Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.

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If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.


Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…


What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.


Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.


I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend. Seriously, I’m taking a selfie and you’re in the background


Stop blaming your parents.

You’re 32.

Blame your spouse.


If you ever saw me race to the liquor store 5 mins before it closes, you’d hire me for a getaway driver in a bank heist any day.


Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.


Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO