Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.

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My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.


*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them


Pressing elevator buttons with my safety hotdog


Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.

Me: this is my service burrito.


Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.


*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone

*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this


a conspiracy: all these dudes on tinder are actually holding the same fish. they just ship it to each other when they need a new photo because they can’t actually catch one


Becoming hard to tell difference between credible news organizations like 4chan and troll sites like New York Post.