@TheRealJackDee

Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.

@JoParkerBear

*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them

@chuuew

Pressing elevator buttons with my safety hotdog

@lawyerthoughts

Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.

Me: this is my service burrito.

@PaperWash

Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.

@IamPhartacus

*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone

*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this

@AlwaysAButt

a conspiracy: all these dudes on tinder are actually holding the same fish. they just ship it to each other when they need a new photo because they can’t actually catch one

@fivethirtyeight

Becoming hard to tell difference between credible news organizations like 4chan and troll sites like New York Post.