Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
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Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin