Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.

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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you


“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”


Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.


[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?

Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…


3yo: play it again!

Me: I can’t, baby

*3yo throws epic fit*

Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.


It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge


cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law

me: incompetent lawyer

cop: wha-

me: tainted evidence

cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that


Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.


“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”

Me: Sees Video

Me: Checks Internet


Brother: Do you want to come over to see the new baby?

Me: Does it have wifi?