Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.

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[first day in prison]

ME: so whatcha in for?

HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions

ME: how many is too many?


ME: oh no


I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.


If the hackers that stole all those Yahoo passwords could tell me what mine is I’d appreciate it. I’ve been locked out for about 4 years now


Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.


I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.


ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?

HER: I asked if you were a “people” person

ME: ohhh…definitely not


My son washed his own bedding last night so I’m torn between being thrilled and mortified as to why he washed his own bedding.


When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped


Apparently UFC is not Ultimate Fried Chicken and now I’m even hungrier watching huge greased up men touch each other inappropriately.