@iwearaonesie
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
@tweetingdouche
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
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@iwearaonesie
@JDBooie
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
@joeldanger
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
@EndhooS
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
@ThisOneSayz
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
@mrtimlong
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
@climaxximus
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
@junejuly12
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
@LogicLaughs
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
@thecrabbyhook
Brother: Do you want to come over to see the new baby?
Me: Does it have wifi?