Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
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Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
My goal weight is for my waiter to ask me if I want a salad with my meal without bursting into laughter.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
I have lumps on my head.
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Apparently, women only enjoy a nice romantic breakfast in bed when they know how you got in their house.