@tweetingdouche

Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.

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@dildointherough

Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.

@CYComedy

My goal weight is for my waiter to ask me if I want a salad with my meal without bursting into laughter.

@junejuly12

Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.

@TheBoydP

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?

@TheRolo

*Types*

I have lumps on my head.

WebMD: Batman

@iinkedZombie

[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!

@Love_bug1016

What, I’m Asian?

*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*

*buys a bonsai tree*

@Parentpains

Apparently, women only enjoy a nice romantic breakfast in bed when they know how you got in their house.