@dildointherough Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
@tweetingdouche Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
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@dildointherough 
@Gupton68 Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
@CYComedy My goal weight is for my waiter to ask me if I want a salad with my meal without bursting into laughter.
@junejuly12 Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
@TheBoydP Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
@TheRolo *Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
@iinkedZombie [answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
@Love_bug1016 What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
@Parentpains Apparently, women only enjoy a nice romantic breakfast in bed when they know how you got in their house.