Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
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“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?
Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Brother: Do you want to come over to see the new baby?
Me: Does it have wifi?