@tweetingdouche

Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.

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@iwearaonesie

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you

@JDBooie

“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”

@joeldanger

Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.

@EndhooS

[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?

Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…

@ThisOneSayz

3yo: play it again!

Me: I can’t, baby

*3yo throws epic fit*

Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.

@mrtimlong

It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge

@climaxximus

cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law

me: incompetent lawyer

cop: wha-

me: tainted evidence

cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that

@junejuly12

Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.

@LogicLaughs

“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”

Me: Sees Video

Me: Checks Internet

@thecrabbyhook

Brother: Do you want to come over to see the new baby?

Me: Does it have wifi?