Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.

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*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?


Today is the day I write something beautifully profound

No. That was it. I’m going back to bed


(reads about how guys who say girls don’t need makeup are bad)
me to my crush: hey girl you need lots of makeup. more than any girl in the whole world


Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.


You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.


If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.


People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.


It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.

I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting


When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.


The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.