@unravelingfire

Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.

You Might Also Like

@ohpegah

*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?

@AnExocticBeach

Today is the day I write something beautifully profound

No. That was it. I’m going back to bed

@eedrk

(reads about how guys who say girls don’t need makeup are bad)
me to my crush: hey girl you need lots of makeup. more than any girl in the whole world

@BuckyIsotope

Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.

@Brianhopecomedy

You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.

@mack44_d

If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.

@notalogin

People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.

@goodshitdogshit

It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.

I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting

@Social_Mime

When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.

@justabloodygame

The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.