Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
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6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!