Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
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scrabbled eggs
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Shoo shoo! 😂
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito