Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
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To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Hotels are back
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.