wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
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A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
I did not eat the cake…
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.