Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
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*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems