@DiamondLou69

Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?

You do now.

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@HatfieldAnne

You could eat off the floor in this bathroom, but that’s just a euphemism. We have a dining room.

@jazmasta

Nature fact: The female cat gives birth to the body and head of her kittens separately and has to screw the head in like a lightbulb.

@SJSchauer

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

@sgrstk

People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.

@Freudianscript

When life gives you lemons…..

Facebook makes lemonade.
Twitter Makes Martinis.

@Brianhopecomedy

“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”

“Uhhh….why?”

“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”

“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”

@AmberTozer

Started a karate club for people who don’t know karate we just do moves we see in movies lemme know if you’re interested old ppl are welcome

@WilliamAder

Pretty sure the guy who named them “walkie talkies” got fired before he could name other military equipment.