Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?

You do now.

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Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.


My dog caught me petting another dog and now we have to start a couple’s Facebook account.


*gets taste of own medicine*

Yep this is my medicine


I be having a mini heart attack when I almost send a screenshot to the person I screenshoted


Y’all keep saying Columbus was a bad dude and he shouldn’t had a day, but y’all need to shut up because I like getting mattresses on sale


Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.


My wife is yelling THROW HER THROW HER during Olympic ice dancing with the bloodlust of 80,000 Roman citizens watching gladiators battle to the death.


“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”


Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.


If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”