@DiamondLou69

Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?

You do now.

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@lawyerthoughts

Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.

@brittwastaken

My dog caught me petting another dog and now we have to start a couple’s Facebook account.

@Urfavdog

*gets taste of own medicine*

Yep this is my medicine

@ygselena

I be having a mini heart attack when I almost send a screenshot to the person I screenshoted

@bacon_gillepic

Y’all keep saying Columbus was a bad dude and he shouldn’t had a day, but y’all need to shut up because I like getting mattresses on sale

@KizerBillhelm

Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.

@six_2_and_even

My wife is yelling THROW HER THROW HER during Olympic ice dancing with the bloodlust of 80,000 Roman citizens watching gladiators battle to the death.

@Tommytoughstuff

“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”

@Elizasoul80

Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.

@VerbsRProudest

If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”