Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
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Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.