Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
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ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Siri, fight Alexa.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.