Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
You Might Also Like
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Hey I worked for it too!
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.