@WhatsAGreenhorn

Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?

Requirements:

– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)

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@DBMaxP

According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt

@pilau

hacker: ready?

weapons guy: I was born ready

[25 years earlier]

doctor: it’s a boy!

midwife: where did he get nunchucks

@ThisLocalHater

All I want for Christmas is to have this generational curse lifted and also maybe an air fryer

@jazmasta

There must be an easier way to transport long poles across canyons other than walking across a tightrope carrying one pole at a time.

@smelbz

The worst part of going on a date with a guy I don’t like is how my grandma always dies before our food gets there.

@TheAlexNevil

Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:

“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:8:”kelkulus”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3278807262/1fcf70b5a66e936d490699028532762d_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”329582967800336385″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”249″;s:5:”tweet”;s:138:”FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@TheToddWilliams

Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!

Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…

Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn

@Sean_Burgundy_

Hitman: Hey what’s up

Me: My neighbor parked in front of my house again