Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?


– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)

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According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt


hacker: ready?

weapons guy: I was born ready

[25 years earlier]

doctor: it’s a boy!

midwife: where did he get nunchucks


All I want for Christmas is to have this generational curse lifted and also maybe an air fryer


There must be an easier way to transport long poles across canyons other than walking across a tightrope carrying one pole at a time.


The worst part of going on a date with a guy I don’t like is how my grandma always dies before our food gets there.


Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:

“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”


a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:8:”kelkulus”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3278807262/1fcf70b5a66e936d490699028532762d_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”329582967800336385″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”249″;s:5:”tweet”;s:138:”FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}



Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…

Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn


Hitman: Hey what’s up

Me: My neighbor parked in front of my house again